My therapist recommended that I see a psychiatrist to possibly start medication for my severe depression/anxiety. I’ve always been anti-medication, but I thought I’d go ahead and see him and see what he had to say.
The doctor was super nice and made me feel really comfortable. While I was there something took over me and I starting sobbing uncontrollably. It was all a bit overwhelming at first. I felt like I had a sort of out of body experience, I could feel my subconscious thinking, “Has it really gotten this bad? Are you really here?”
Depression is a weird thing. I’m sure most people who know and talk to me on a daily basis would never even guess. But when I go home, the clouds get darker and the tears start flowing. It’s just this overwhelming feeling of sadness and low self worth. I’ve had numerous breakdowns and the anxiety attacks are becoming more and more frequent.
After many many questions, the doctor recommended Wellbutrin. Low side effects and no weight gain (plus?). He explained it wouldn’t fix the problems causing the depression and anxiety of course, but it would make me feel well enough to actually be a ‘normal’ human being. He also told me that if I wasn’t comfortable taking the medication, then I wouldn’t have to. I took the prescription and put it in my purse.
And I’ve been staring at it ever since. It’s been over a week. I’ve read the reviews, the side effects and all the articles about the medication over and over again. I’ve decided to not take it.
Why? Well, first things first, I know nothing is wrong with anti-depressants, lots of people take them. But something just doesn’t sit right with me about it. I just honestly don’t feel comfortable taking them. I feel like this is something I can do holistically and naturally. So how in the world am I suppose to beat this demon? How am I supposed to get motivated enough to work out and to work on the blog and find time for friends?
Well first things first, I know I need to take the time and actually reflect on my life. All day, I am constantly being bombarded with calls, emails, blogs, etc. etc. etc. It’s so hard to focus. When I get home, I do the same things I did at work. It’s increasingly overwhelming and I know if I took some time to myself everyday to just breathe and focus on what really matters, I’d be better off and much happier.
Something that really helped me was Eckhart Tolle and Dr. Srikumar Rao. If you haven’t seen Dr. Rao’s TED talk about happiness, please watch it here. This video really touched me when I first watched it; I even teared up a little bit. It’s extremely powerful and one of the main reasons I decided to not take medication. He touches on how to be truly happy and how we need to get rid of using the ‘If-Then Model’, ex: If I had a better job, I’d be happy, If I had that nice car, I’d be happy, If I had a body like Kim Kardashian, I’d be happy, etc. In reality, we don’t need any of these things. We have everything we need to be happy within ourselves.
I already feel happier.
“The only danger in life is hopelessness, never give up” – Unknown
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You’re so incredibly honest about your experience with depression. I’m in awe.
I suffered from really bad depression for a number of years and could never really find the words to describe how it felt. I also referred to it as ‘my demon’ too because it felt like I’d been possessed by something.
I love that you’re picking up your life and hope to travel. That’s exactly what I’m doing in November.
As you can see, I’m working my way through your posts from the beginning. Can’t wait to read on!