How I Didn’t Let My Quarterlife Crisis Ruin My Life

Allow me to be completely open and honest.

When I graduated from college, I thought the world was in my hands. I managed to graduate a semester early and moved to LA with my boyfriend. I found a job within the first two weeks. I quit. I had 2 really shitty jobs at Sunglass Hut and a local West Hollywood restaurant. I quit both of those. I finally found a job in my field, a talent agency. I loved it. but I realized I wasn’t going to move on in the company. So I found my current job as a receptionist at another talent agency and I was determined to move up in the company. By now, I could’ve been a Jr. Agent.

But then I got depressed.

Really depressed. Depressed to the point where I could barely force myself out of bed. I didn’t care about how I dressed for work anymore. I stopped wearing makeup. I didn’t care if I was late. I’d frequently take breaks to just go cry in the bathroom. I’d eat lunch by myself and cry. I’d go home and cry. Then I would eat. Then I would sleep. I would ignore calls from friends. I would never go out on the weekends. The depression had completely cut me off from society.

I could never really explain WHY I was depressed exactly. I just…was. I had a inkling that it had something to do with my job and with my life goals, but how could that be? I was making money and I was paying my rent on time. I was getting set up for a great career I had always dreamed of. I was in a great relationship. But I was lonely. None of my friends felt like me. All of my friends had great careers and were having children and getting married. Is that what the next step was for me? I didn’t want that. But for some reason, it made me terribly sad to log onto Facebook day after day and keep seeing those stupid “engaged” and “marriage” updates, seeing pictures of friends with their adorable babies.

It seemed the joy was just completely sucked out of me. I was a zombie. I was numb. I had this giant black cloud over my life. The colors were dull. Due to emotional eating, I had gained over 30 pounds, which made me even more depressed and that made me eat even more. I couldn’t focus enough to watch a movie or read a book. I couldn’t go to the gym. I couldn’t do anything but sleep, eat, and cry. It was a vicious cycle that I felt I was trapped in. I couldn’t seem to make myself feel anything at all. My boyfriend, seriously worried I’d suffer a complete mental breakdown, suggested that I start seeing a therapist.

It was the best decision of my life. The first day I saw her, I just cried like I never have before. But for the first time, I actually felt something. For so long, I had felt so numb, no feelings about anything at all. Talking to her was like an emotional waterfall; all my feelings just poured out of me. Over the course of the next few weeks, we’d uncovered a lot of pent up feelings. I realized that I wasn’t happy with my life. I didn’t want to be an agent. I didn’t want a 9 to 5. But I didn’t know what I wanted. She explained that I was going through a “quarterlife crisis”, or a scary transition period people my age go through when they’ve graduated from college, but are just…lost. Stuck. That was me. Exactly. For so long I had wondered what was wrong with me, and this whole quarterlife crisis just made complete and perfect sense. Now that I knew what was wrong with me…I could start getting myself healthy again.

Then one day she asked me a question that would change the course of my life. “What is your passion?”.

…My passion. Well. I told her I loved to travel. and I’d love to travel again, but I just didn’t have the money. I would never be able to leave my job. I had rent and bills to pay. I couldn’t just…leave. She told me the words I needed to hear, “Of course you can!”. I went home that night and started research. I found out things  I had never known before. It’s not THAT expensive to travel…and people, just like me were going through the same situations and just…going. They weren’t letting  social conforms keep them from living their lives. I wasn’t alone.  It was the push I needed to help me start to get myself out of the depression.

Once I finally made the decision to go to Thailand, I actually starting feeling again. The numb feeling was gone, and I started to have other emotions besides sadness. I started going back to the gym. I started eating healthy. I stopped crying. As scary as it was, I started a blog. I stopped letting my depression and this quarterlife crisis control me. I started to take back control of my life.

I thought that the depression was going to ruin my life. I thought I’d never be happy again. Reading about other people who felt the same way I do helped me so much. I realized I wasn’t alone. I wasn’t lonely. I was part of a bigger group than I could have ever imagined.

For the first time in a long time, I can genuinely say… I Am Happy.

And it feels fucking awesome.

photo – creative commons, flickr