I wrote on my personal Facebook account a few weeks ago about the recent HUGE influx of my friends all getting married/engaged/having babies. It’s seriously like my Facebook has turned into a giant wedding and engagement photo book.
While I am genuinely happy for all of my friends, and wish them all the best in the future lives, it’s completely freaking me out. After looking at pictures at one friends particularly gorgeous wedding, I felt my chest tighten up and I couldn’t breath. Really? An anxiety attack over looking at another friends wedding? What the hell?
After I calmed down a bit, I realized that marriage completely freaks me out. Not to say I won’t ever get married, but definitely not anytime soon.
Like every woman, I’ve envisioned my “perfect” wedding. A short dress (yes, a SHORT wedding dress), Louboutins, gorgeous hair, a bouquet of wild flowers, a touch on vintage, etc. I could go on and on. But here’s the difference. A wedding is just the ceremony. A marriage is fucking forever.
Of course every girl wants a day where she is doted upon, gets to dress up in the most beautiful dress of her life, and spend it with everyone that’s close to her and her husband. Then there’s the honeymoon to some (hopefully) exotic and romantic destination with tons of champagne, sex and lazy time. Then what? That’s the part that freaks me out. Will it be the same? Does the title of “husband and wife” change the dynamic between what used to be “boyfriend and girlfriend”? That’s what freaks me out. Sigh.
Despite the fact Johnny and I have been together over 5 years, and we’re most likely going to be with each other forever, I just can’t imagine calling him my husband….not now. That word feels so heavy in my mouth. Husband. Wife. Mrs. Whoa. I’m not ready.
The fact that all of my friends in the same age group as me are getting married freaks me out. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people, but I can’t help but thinking about why I feel this way. Am I not mature enough? Nah… maybe I’m the one smart as hell to be freaked out. Who knows.
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
I agree fully! A marriage is so damn definite and I can’t really cope with that. I wonder if I’ll ever be ready to get married.
I’ve been feeling exactly the same recently! I’ve been tracking down old school friends on Facebook and literally 90% of them are either married and/or have kids! It’s absolutely insane and I couldn’t imagine being able to do that anytime soon – It IS scary! I don’t feel old enough…
It’s completely insane. But then I think…well…I’m the one going to travel the world and I’m a badass. So maybe it’s not so bad after all?
Freaks me out too. Read Elizabeth Gilbert’s book Committed for some interesting marriage stats and tidbits that lead you to realize: There’s just no need for marriage. Not in modern-day society.
Oh wow! I’ll definitely have to pick it up, I loved Eat, Pray, Love. I totally forgot she had another book. Thank you for the recommendation!
I agree with Torre, the NEED for marriage is no longer relevant!
But think of this way…maybe all your married pals on fbook are comparing themselves to you and freaking out because YOU are doing all the fun travelling! That kind of makes sense, right?!
YES! I like the way you think
“Of course every girl wants a day where she is doted upon, gets to dress up in the most beautiful dress of her life, and spend it with everyone that’s close to her and her husband.”
Not me.
An elaborate wedding is one of the reasons my partner and I actively don’t want to get married. And of course the idea that commitment is less meaningful or permanent w/o a piece of paper issued by the government is crap too, lol. We have no intention of ever getting married, even if/when we have kids. We’ve started taking legal measures (a trust, power of attorney, etc.) to protect ourselves and our assets in case of an emergency, which is a pain but the extra expense and hassle is worth it to us. Marriage is an institution that offers a lot of privileges (to those society deems “worthy” of such privileges), but that’s not enough to lure us in. 
Wow. Thank you so much for this comment. I totally didn’t occur to me to take legal measures to protect yourselves and when/if you have children. Thanks so much Christy!
I’m totally with you on that, hun. I feel old knowing that one of my friends from school has done the marriage thing and is now doing the divorce thing. What? Just no.
ALREADY?! Damn. That’s the reason why it’s a hot mess to get married at our age.
We are married and we tell everyone to wait. No rush.
Almost everyone I have tracked down on Facebook has at least 1 child by my age and is usually pregnant with another and engaged. Knowing the type of couples they all are; I’m sad to say that I don’t hold out much hope for them.
tell me the fuck about it. So sad. But at the same time, why the rush?!
I second the Committed recommendation! I love Elizabeth Gilbert’s voice and writing style not to mention the pretty unconventional views she holds. That book is a pretty thorough examination of the *Western* institution of marriage (a distinction she clearly makes herself). It really helped support some of the notions I already had about marriage and as well as just make me really think about it through the course of the book.
I’m in my early twenties and single. While marriage is VERY far from my present reality, it rears it’s ugly head (dramatic, no? lol) often. My family members and other seem to think the fact that I’ve passed the 21 mark, the jokes and prodding comments about marriage are warranted. I would beg to differ lol. And I am also a sucker for the “wedding vision”, the daydreaming about what that day might be like. But I’m the first to admit that my motivations are a tad sketchy– daydreaming about my wedding is entertaining. I like all the sartorial decisions surrounding weddings, I enjoy menu-planning, i love the pomp & circumstance, my cultural traditions, the partying, the excuse for family to gather…but like you, I have plenty of mixed emotions about what comes after.
And a short wedding dress— go head girl
Have you ever seen one of those that has a removable layer– what?! Perfection…here I go again with the daydreaming lol
HAHAHA! Removable layer?! Girl, I must see this! It sounds like something I’d totally rock….if I were to ever get married
Personally, I like the idea of marriage, but you’re definitely doing the right thing to not get married if you don’t feel like it. The smart thing is not being pro-marriage or anti-marriage; the smart thing is having the ability to assess your personal wants and needs to decide whether it’s right for you. The people who just marry because all their friends are or because they’re the “right age” for it are the ones who are at the highest risk for divorce.
A bunch of my friends are already getting engaged and married. I’m 19. That should not be the case, should it? Should it…?
But, I completely agree with you on this point: “A wedding is just the ceremony. A marriage is fucking forever.”
It’s a distinction that no one seems to make these days. When you were in the UK, did you ever watch a show called “Don’t Tell The Bride”? It is everything which makes me think I will never want to get married.
Anyway, I have waffled on about this on my own blog, if you’re interested…? (Don’t worry if you’re not – I hate it when people leave me comments with links in, haha) http://www.australasia-dreaming.com/2011/06/does-every-girl-really-want-that.html
x
Thank you for the link! And no, I don’t mind reading, I LOVE discovering new blogs
http://www.youtube.com/user/arnieswap#p/u/19/CWTjKPNuYi8
just my 2 cents!
I tried to post before, but not sure it went thru…. just wanted to share our story _ check youtube link ….
I got married at age 35. (2 yrs ago). Loving it! I was freaked out when I observed my 40 and 50 something single women friends and saw how lonely they still were, even with lots of friends and interests… European and American women both… I conciously decided I wanted to marry and start a family… I just didnt want to be doing the same thing in my 30′s as I was in my 40s and 50s as far as relationships… I decided getting married would be much better. and it is…
Refreshing outlook. Especially for me because my Facebook is exactly like yours. I’m newly single and all these marraige albums and engagement posts are like throwing salt in my wounds… except worse than that actually. I’m going to embrace your fear that is IS for fucking ever, and the dynamic might change… so why feel the need to rush.
So refreshing. Thanks for posting that.
Im a guy, I usually don’t comment on blogs, but I need some thoughts. I love my girlfriend and she wants to get married so bad she brings it up everyday (almost every hour). I don’t fight her on it cuz we’ve been down that road, and I can genuinely see her being my wife. However inexplicably, I have this raging fear of marriage that I never realized. She’s approaching 29 so she want babies now, I’m thirty and I don’t know how to be ok with all of this. I even would like kids but I feel to young for it all but I know Im 30!
If anyone has thoughts slightly broader than every one is afraid or she should respect your needs too, that would be really wonderful.