Marriage Completely Freaks Me Out

I wrote on my personal Facebook account a few weeks ago about the recent HUGE influx of my friends all getting married/engaged/having babies. It’s seriously like my Facebook has turned into a giant wedding and engagement photo book.

While I am genuinely happy for all of my friends, and wish them all the best in the future lives, it’s completely freaking me out. After looking at pictures at one friends particularly gorgeous wedding, I felt my chest tighten up and I couldn’t breath. Really? An anxiety attack over looking at another friends wedding? What the hell?

After I calmed down a bit, I realized that marriage completely freaks me out. Not to say I won’t ever get married, but definitely not anytime soon.

Like every woman, I’ve envisioned my “perfect” wedding. A short dressĀ  (yes, a SHORT wedding dress), Louboutins, gorgeous hair, a bouquet of wild flowers, a touch on vintage, etc. I could go on and on. But here’s the difference. A wedding is just the ceremony. A marriage is fucking forever.

Of course every girl wants a day where she is doted upon, gets to dress up in the most beautiful dress of her life, and spend it with everyone that’s close to her and her husband. Then there’s the honeymoon to some (hopefully) exotic and romantic destination with tons of champagne, sex and lazy time. Then what? That’s the part that freaks me out. Will it be the same? Does the title of “husband and wife” change the dynamic between what used to be “boyfriend and girlfriend”? That’s what freaks me out. Sigh.

Despite the fact Johnny and I have been together over 5 years, and we’re most likely going to be with each other forever, I just can’t imagine calling him my husband….not now. That word feels so heavy in my mouth. Husband. Wife. Mrs. Whoa. I’m not ready.

The fact that all of my friends in the same age group as me are getting married freaks me out. I know I shouldn’t compare myself to other people, but I can’t help but thinking about why I feel this way. Am I not mature enough? Nah… maybe I’m the one smart as hell to be freaked out. Who knows.

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