Last night, it hit me like a ton of bricks.
Fear. That skanky ho Fear.
Fear reared its ugly head and wouldn’t let go. I had a major, MAJOR freakout.
It all began as I was researching for our trip. What museums to go to, where to eat, what to do on my birthday…the normal things I think about everyday. Slowly, but surely, the doubts, fears and frustrations about everything just crept up on me.
“Will I have enough money for all of this?”
“What am I going to do when I get back?”
“What about my career?”
“Seriously Sheryll…what are you doing with your life?”
And then I just lost it. I cried. And cried. And cried. Until my body shook, my eyes burned and I tired myself out. Laying in bed with Johnny by my side, I cried myself to sleep.
Fear has a way of crippling even the most stable person. Until last night, I thought I had it all together.
I know traveling is my dream, my passion. It’s something I’ve been wanting to do for the past 3 years. It’s the trip of a lifetime. But in the back of my mind it feels like I should be doing more. Doing…something.
I’ve been unemployed for 3 months now (not counting the month I worked at the diner). And coming from the overachiever Sagittarius in me, I feel like I should have accomplished something (work related) by now. Some semblance of a career path. This is the longest time I’ve ever been unemployed. And while it was wonderful for the first month, I’ve been itching to get my hands into something else. I’ll be 25 this year and I still haven’t the slightest clue as to what the hell I want to do with my life.
And maybe some part of me is afraid of all this because it’s completely new to me. My whole life has always been laid for me. I’ve always known what my next move will be. Bullet points. Steps 1, 2. and 3. And charting into this completely unknown territory is like jumping into a pitch black ocean without a life jacket. But I guess it’s up to me to sink or swim.
And I have to swim.
This much I know: I know I want to travel. I know I somehow want to be able to earn money and travel at the same time. But I can’t shake this feeling in the back of my mind that I need some sort of “backup plan”. Go back to school? Intern? Write? Teach? Is this my intuition? Or is it fear telling me that I can’t succeed?
Breaking free of my comfort zone. That’s what needs to happen. To push myself beyond the limits of what I “think” I am capable of. There have been plenty of missed opportunities just because I haven’t thought I was good enough. Or that this blog isn’t good enough. But now that I really think about it…It’s just that skanky ho Fear telling me these things. I’m afraid to succeed. Afraid to see what happens if I really put in my full potential. Why? I guess because in the end, following your dreams is scary shit. Especially when you have no idea what you’re doing.
I really need to learn to let go and go with the flow.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Don’t worry! Sink in this experience, and through it -through living out your dream- you will find the answers you want concerning your future. If you don’t do this, you will regret it your whole life. So what’s just a little freak-out, compared to a lifetime of regret?
I think that freak-outs are only natural, just think about how lucky you are to have somebody to cuddle you to sleep when that happens 
You can do it! The hardest part is already over: buying the tickets. So just have fun! And maybe, don’t plan so much: it stresses anybody out. Especially when things don’t happen as you planned them (museums are closed for X reason, a volcano erupts and you can’t fly….) once you are there in person. Leave some room for serendipity, and don’t be scared of it: think about all the awesome things that luck, chance or whatever you call it, has brought to your life. And welcome it with open arms!
I don’t think you don’t know what you are doing at all- You have a plan- it might not be a long term one right at this moment, but you do know what you want for right now. I have a feeling that all that other stuff will work itself out as you travel- you will identify what really makes you happy and want doesn’t. This is the hard part because you just have to wait to begin the adventure- you will be fine!
Thank you Jade. You are totally right!
“that skanky ho Fear.”
How true. I’m only starting to realize that it’s okay if you don’t know what you want to do with your life, or where you want to be. I think even the people who say they know feel a bit of doubt about it. Life isn’t always about the big picture, the small moments are important too. Don’t worry about the future right now, sometimes it’s best to take things one day at a time.
I’m slowly, but surely, learning how to take it day by day. I think I’ve just always had a long term goal (high school, college, work), that it’s hard to switch my mind set to a day by day thing. I’m learning though!
All I can say is Amen. I think these same things everyday. I wish the best for you on your travels.
Peace.
Thank you Amanda!
We’re a year and a half into our travels and I *still* have mini panic attacks every now and then. We started traveling immediately after I finished graduate school and made the last-minute decision not to apply to Ph.D. programs and ultimately teach. I changed my career path so suddenly and then we left San Diego and the rest of my life changed just as drastically. It was terrifying!
But I don’t regret it at all. There have been times when I questioned my sanity and the wisdom of my decision, but ultimately I’ve realized that I’m living for ME… and right now I love my life. Everything else will work out. =)
Thank you Christy. This really made me feel so much better. Thank you, thank you, thank you!!!!!!
I can relate to you on every front. I feel like I have to have a set plan in place all the time. I am always stressing about the future. I even get upset with my fiancee when he doesn’t have a plan. I wish I was HALF as laid back as he was and didn’t worry so much about the future. But I think you are presented with a unique opportunity. You ARE going towards your dreams, many people aren’t able to do that. You should just, for now anyway, live in the moment and chase the future later.
You and I are seriously the same. Johnny is SO laid back. I think it helps because he balances out my crazy, planning, scheduling self pretty well.
And thank you Jayla. You’re comment really made me feel better.
If you want to learn to go with the flow then this experience seems like it’s teaching you… even if it is painful at the moment!
I’m definitely a planner like you and you’ve got me thinking I need something more challenging as well..
You can do it, lovely. I know you can. This adventure’s going to help you discover more about yourself than you thought possible. I promise.
<3 you!