I’ve been in a bit of a slump.
Nothing bad has happened. Nothing great has happened. Nothing has really happened at all. I’m not happy. I’m not sad. I’m just merely existing. And I don’t like it one bit. I’ve found that I’d rather be emotional rather than not feeling anything at all.
It’s been 2 weeks since I posted my last blog. I try to write at least once a week, but I just….I just haven’t been motivated. To be honest, my life is not really that exciting. Going into my second year, things that I once thought were weird or difficult are normal and easy. I really and truly feel like I “live” in Korea. I bought an oven. I have clothes and furniture and nice baking utensils. I have a routine. All of this means I’m comfortable. Which means I’m not really motivated to do anything. Which means I feel like a giant blob just floating around. Basically, this “meh” feeling has been happening for weeks now. My days go a bit something like this:
eat while watching Golden Girls/doing my makeup
realize I’m going to be late if I don’t leave my house in 3 minutes
rush out of the door
walk to school
drink a coffee
teach 4 classes
click around the internet
come home and eat
click around the internet
go to sleep.
I’m not doing anything. And coming from someone with mild depression, this is a big warning sign. I get into these slumps where I’m just going through the motions, and that equals a disaster for me.
So, I started taking MMA classes last week, in an effort to lose these last stubborn 1o lbs and change up my routine. Not going to lie, it’s been tough. Johnny’s also taking classes, but he’s actually a fighter, so he knows what the hell to do. And yes, I know it’s a class, and I’m there to learn, but everyone in the classes seems so advanced and I can barely do a front roll. And that brings me to my mini breakdown a few nights ago.
After stretching and doing a bit of cardio, we had to do front rolls, or somersaults. Ever since I was little, I’ve been terrified of doing somersaults. It’s a completely irrational fear and I don’t know why I’m still afraid. I just always felt like I was going to break my neck or bust my head open or something. The teacher, though, being the kind soul that he is, helped me do some a few days earlier, and I was super proud of myself. But when it came time to do it by myself, in front of a bunch of people who could probably roll for miles, I clammed up. I couldn’t do it. I tried to. And I failed. I felt the tears welling up in my eyes…so I ran to the bathroom, choking back tears. I finally got into the bathroom and let out the most loud and ugly sob. Why was I so upset about not being able to do a front roll?! That’s what class is for…to learn! But it was also a sort of emotional release of all the pent up “blah” from the past few weeks. As I stood near the sink crying my eyes out, a woman walked in. Surprised, she looked at me, made the gesture for “don’t cry”, and said in the softest, kindest voice, “Fighting!”
For those that may not know, “Fighting” in Korea means good luck, cheer up, you can do it…basically it’s a phrase used for encouragement.
Something about that word…Fighting, touched me. It’s so simple. It used for encouragement here, but to me it meant so much more. I AM a fighter. I can fight this! I pulled myself together, and marched back into MMA class and finished it like a champ. I’ve pulled myself out of depression once, and I’m not going to let it happen to me again.
I love lists (and really, who doesn’t love lists?!). So, I made a list of all the things I can do to make myself feel better, to get out and do things, to break free from my comfort zone. I thought I’d share a few with you:
1. Write a new blog post at least twice a week. I love blogging. I really do. Writing is therapy for me. I need to start writing everyday, even if I don’t hit the publish button.
2. Stay in touch with family and friends back in the States. I’m so bad at calling my family (HI MOM!). I talk to my younger sister almost everyday on Kakao, but I need to actually call or Skype people. Just because I live overseas doesn’t mean I should neglect my friendships back home. I gotta work on it!
3. Take at least one picture a day, with my actual camera, not my phone. I love photography. I usually keep my camera on me at all times, but lately it’s just been sitting on my desk, collecting dust. Time is flying by, and pretty soon I’ll be leaving Korea. I want to document as much of my life as possible.
4. Try one new recipe a week. I really enjoy cooking. And now that I have an oven, my options for cooking have increased significantly. I want to experiment with baking my own breads, making different types of cookies and cakes, and stop being afraid to cook meat other than chicken.
5. Work out 5 days a week. I want to start working out not only to lose weight, but because it’s just something I should do to take care of myself. Without fail, working out always makes me feel better. I hate the process of going, but once I’m here, I feel 100x better.
There’s a few more in there, but that’s the basic jist.
I can get through this. I know I can.